This article was penned by internationally known comic entertainer Peter Bisuito. For more information on him, please check out his official website here.
It’s June 2018 and summer is right around the gay fabulous corner. It’s time to stretch our smiling muscles, warm up the gag reflexes and laugh at some of the funny shit gay men do in the summer!!
Oh yes, summer is the best time to get engaged. Whether it’s at the beach, a restaurant or on top of a ferris wheel, gay men love to pop the question in the most dramatic way possible. And they especially like to do so after only 3 months of dating. THREE MONTHS!! Now what could possibly go wrong with THAT scenario?? And of course their pronounced love for each other must be dispersed all over social media through cute little poems they’ve written for one another that we all must painfully endure:
“I love Philip and he loves me,
We’re as happy as 2 can be.
I’m so happy that we met,
2 weeks ago on the internet.
Our love is more than enough,
I hope he doesn’t find out I’m still on Scruff.”
And then they finally post that one photo we’re all just waiting for. You know the photo…one guy is on bended knee holding a ring and their caption reads, “HE SAID YES!!” OH PUL-EEZE!! Like I’m supposed to be impressed he said yes after 3 months. What can possibly go wrong with THAT scenario?? My partner and I have been together for 17 years, if I ever posted a photo of myself holding a ring, my caption would read, “HE SAID I GUESS SO.” Ever notice how the word “gag” is in the middle of engaged?? Trust me, it’s NOT a coinkedink.
Summer time is pride time and pride time is gay time and gay time is FUN time! The gays come out of the woodwork and dress up in their most outrageous outfits to participate in pride parades across the globe. And with good reason! We worked hard and we’ve earned the right to do so! Pride parades are getting so popular that straight people and children also partake in the festivities. YES…KIDS!! There’s a whole new generation of acceptance coming up through the pike. Pride parades with little children marching in support. Take THAT Anita Bryant!
It’s almost summer and now’s the time to look your best. I’ve always been astounded at how the gays love to groom themselves. And I’m all for it. You wanna look good then you need to werk it gurl. Hair salons, days spas, teeth whitening, botox…you name it, the gays are doing it. I even saw a place that offered anal bleaching. Apparently there’s a lot of gays in this world who just don’t like the color of their shit-stained anus. So they have it bleached. Since I’ll try anything once, I decided to look into it and the least expensive anal bleaching I was able to find was $120. I was NOT going to spend 120 bucks to get my anus bleached. So I just ran over to the drug store and bought a bottle of Sun-In for $6.49. I sprayed my anus with Sun-In and laid in the sun for over 4 hours with my legs in the air. Unfortunately my anus turned orange, however I did make lots of new friends!
Now, I don’t know about you, but I hate sports. I was awful at sports growing up. I was that moron in basketball always running the wrong way on the field trying desperately to avoid that penalty dug out. I still have visions on my father sitting in the bleachers hanging his head in shame. But for some gays, they love being on a team and participating in something that NO gay man should participate in unless it’s gymnastics or ice-skating. To me gay men who play sports is the equivalent to lesbians in musical theater.
Summer is best time for the gays to get political. Why?? Cuz we LOOOVE to march in protest. Not just because it’s good cardio and firms up the triceps by lifting heavy signs up and down, but because gays love to fight for justice. Haven’t you noticed whenever the gays get pissed off, all the arts & crafts stores raise their rates on poster board & markers? Fighting for injustice is what we do. But what the gays don’t understand is that all this marching is completely unnecessary. If you want to change the laws in this country and fight injustice, all you really need is a pissed off lesbian. It’ll free up much of your time so you can concentrate on much more important things. Like getting engaged, going to pride parades, having your anus bleached or playing volleyball.