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Ummm... No Thanks! 3 Foods to Avoid Before Bottoming

Let's face it: bottoming isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world to accomplish.

Sure, they made it look super easy to do when we were watching those "special films" prior to actually doing the act, but it was a completely different story once s**t was going down in real life. I would equate it to thinking you would be enjoying a bread and butter pickle chip but instead they present to you a Big Papa Dill Pickle (yes, it exists, I googled it), that you have to swallow whole in order to really feel like you are "doing the deed."

As time goes by for many of us, the act of bottoming gets easier. There are some that either don't like it or would simply prefer to top in many circumstances (both are fine), but preparing for this sort of Titanic-esque situation (the iceberg always hits, if you know what I mean), has a lot of factors to it.

One of those include what sort of food to avoid prior to. After all, you want this to be a fun situation with the guy(s) you are about to go to town on, not one that requires you to head to Bed, Bath & Beyond shortly after. 

So, in a very funny sort of way, here are three  different types of foods that you should avoid prior to your feet going higher than Britney Spears' voice in her latest Instagram upload (see here).

B-U-R-R-I-T-O-S

This is a bit of a no brainer here. If enjoying a massive burrito already gives you the runs 0.3 seconds into your first bite, do you think it will be any different from when the guy you are with slides it in like a pencil into a sharpener? 

No Meat. No Meat. No Meat.

This is sort of a continuum from the burritos post. Here's a fun story. I took two separate friends to a steakhouse of sorts last year. I knew that the amount of meat they were going to give me was gonna be a lot, so I ate what they provided in moderation. Those two, on the other hand, slobbered all over that meat like a piggy-type dude on the 2nd floor of the Eagle, and I got texts from both of them after I left, saying that they had to run into the Uniqlo bathroom (right next door) as their bodies couldn't even make it to the subway. Once again, you're welcome.

Junk Food 

Do you want your bed to end up looking like a bag of Cheetos exploded all on it? Linens are hella expensive, and junk food's salt and fat content will only exacerbate that nightmare happening if you shove a big bag of some sort of chip prior to playing "My Neck, My Back" by Khia and getting your freak on. 


This was created by one of our Contributing Writers and does not reflect the opinion of Instinct Magazine or the other Contributing Writers when it comes to this subject.  Also you should consult a specialist about this sort of thing... not my bad taste in humor. 

 

Comments

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Meat, in general, would NOT accelerate your body's digestion and metabolism. However, rotten, not well-prepared, and not well-cooked meat does. 

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Good grief. If someone is having the runs so soon after eating meat at dinner, then you were served really greasy or slightly spoiled meat; or maybe your digestive system he can't tolerate red meat. 

As for the question of what to eat: try complex carbs as in cooked veggies, especially broccoli which used to be called nature's whisk broom. And stay away from too much roughage like raw carrots and nuts. Some people can eat cooked beans and rise by the bowl; others cannot even look at them.

So much of this depends on each person's metabolism (read: how qucikly stuff goes through you) and your tolerance for different foods (read: what you can and cannot digest).  The better you know your own body, the less likely you are to get in trouble.

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So how bout being helpful and give us ideas on wat we Can eat cuz water and saltines all day is getting old

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So now you know why we, Catholics eat fish and fast on Fridays...in preparation for clean bed linen on Saturdays.

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